And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
