I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
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he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
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There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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