My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
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then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
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I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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