i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
