I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
