If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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