fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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