you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
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The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
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he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.