I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
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On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
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Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.