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• (253): View more from Washington

  I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.

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• (408): View more from California

  i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?

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  27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Update, its a couple

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve

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• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.

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• (925): View more from California

  She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.

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  These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities

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• (913): View more from Kansas

  Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.

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• (315): View more from New York

  Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?

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• (651): View more from Minnesota

  When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail

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• (256): View more from Alabama

  My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.

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• (720): View more from Colorado

  I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.

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