Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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