I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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