How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
