i wish my penis had a tongue
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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