first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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