i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
