My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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