If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
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I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
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Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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