I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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