she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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