no, he came in my armpit
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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