Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
