I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
