I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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