remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
