It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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