my phone needs a breathalizer
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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