I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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