There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
