So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
