Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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