I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I want her autograph on my taint
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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