mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
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Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
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I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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