im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
