And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
