Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
