if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
