actually, I'm a sock model
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize