I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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