I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
