We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
