I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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