But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
