Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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