Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
