I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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