My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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