if you like me you must not know who I am
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Randomize
