im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
