Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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