i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
two words: eviction party
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
