Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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