woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
