Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
