in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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