how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Randomize
