Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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