So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
