wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
